Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
