if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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