What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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