My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
