I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
