I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
