note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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