She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
