maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize