fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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