Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
