I just saw a hot homeless man
I just pynch a tree in the face
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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