i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
