final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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