I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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