Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
