yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
