I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
