For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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