I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
