Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
