we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
