3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
