He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Drunk is a universal language darling
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