Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
