there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
