and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
