If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
