____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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