Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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