After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
