Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My vagina is officially offended.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
