She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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