i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
