I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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