you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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