Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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