Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
