things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
