I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
