dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
