Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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