so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
