did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
