can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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