dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
