I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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