So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
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Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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