end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need to calm my uterus...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
