is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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