After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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