Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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