Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
