I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
