three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
