every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Drunk is a universal language darling
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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