sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
